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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22978669">The solace of friends</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Subaruchan192/pseuds/Subaruchan192'>Subaruchan192</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Law &amp; Order: SVU</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Best Friends, Developing Relationship, Falling In Love, Fluff, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Friendship/Love, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pre-Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr., Romantic Fluff, Romantic Friendship, Self-Doubt, soft Rafael Barba</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 16:20:10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>19,146</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22978669</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Subaruchan192/pseuds/Subaruchan192</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>First trials are always nerve-wracking. No one knows it better than Rafael Barba. When Olivia tells him that Sonny is struggling and doubting himself as a lawyer, Rafael decides to look after his friend and to give him a prep talk.</p><p>Little does he know that his former protege would become a kindred spirit of sorts and that love would begin to blossom inside his heart.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>84</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I think, we all know, who should have been there for Sonny in this situation. So, I'm going to fix it ^-^</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Walking back into the courthouse felt like running into an ex-lover. Suddenly, all those unwanted memories were back and one was overwhelmed with all those emotions, which still appeared to be echoing from those marble walls. Rafael took a deep breath as he didn’t know what to feel. Years had passed since he las had been here and yet nothing has changed, making it appear like all this time between had never happened.</p><p>But he was living a different life now. A good life. One he greatly enjoyed, but being back in here brought back all those things he had thrived in and in this moment, he missed it dearly: the thrill of a trial, the adrenaline, the duels of intelligence, the fast pace and quick thinking. He had loved all of this, he still did and while he looked around it felt like stepping into a building, which had been burned down. It was empty and the only things which made it alive were the memories. Rafael saw him walking down those halls together with Olivia or Carisi talking insistently to him. He saw himself getting out of the courtroom with slouched shoulders, when a testimony had not worked as planned.</p><p>Every corner, every place was filled with hundreds of these fragments and they made the corners of his mouth twitch. Yes, he felt truly melancholic in this moment as he stroked over one of the balustrades. If he was honest, he had intended to never return to avoid the pain, but this here was not about him. Rafael sighed and resumed walking. He was here for a reason and he was already running late.</p><p>“Hey, Liv.”, he called out, when he walked around the corner. Captain Olivia Benson leaned against a pile, starring with a thoughtful expression onto the heavy, wooden door, which was now closed. As soon as she heard his voice, she lifted her head and a warm, happy smile spread all over her face.</p><p>“Rafa!” Olivia hurried to meet him and the two friends hugged tightly, kissing each other’s cheek as a greeting. Then they rested their head against each other, glad to be back together and not caring about where they were or the confused gazes of the people around them. “You’re here.”</p><p>“Of course.”, Rafael said softly, when they dissolved and chuckled. “I understood your broad hint yesterday.”</p><p>“It wasn’t…” Rafael raised an eyebrow and Olivia sighed. “Okay it was.”</p><p>“How did it go? Are they still in?” Immediately, Rafael’s face became serious again.</p><p>“It started rocky. Carisi didn’t take it well.” Olivia appeared concerned, a dark cloud covering her eyes as she remembered the situation in which Carisi had almost thrown away, what he had worked for so hard. “But he was able to change tack today.”</p><p>“That’s good.” Rafael smiled relieved. “I’m sorry, I wasn’t able to come earlier and see it. The doc appointment had taken longer.”</p><p>“How is your mother?”, Olivia asked concerned, because Rafael’s voice had been heavy as he said it and she comfortingly touched his arm.</p><p>“That’s a conversation for another day.” Rafael shook his head and exhaled deeply. “This here is about Carisi. Where is he, by the way? I want to congratulate him on trying his first case.”</p><p>“I don’t know.”, Olivia admitted. “We had a brief conversation after the hearing of the evidence was done, but then he excused himself and left. He’s gone for quite a while. I’m a little concerned, to be honest. This case truly was hard for him.”</p><p>Rafael sighed sadly. Of course, it was. Carisi was kind, maybe even too kind. It could be his greatest strength, because he truly was fighting for the victim, but he would have to find his defence mechanism to handle the pressure in court.</p><p>“I know.” Rafael stepped closer to her and rested a hand on her shoulder.</p><p>“And I really need to head back to the office, but I don’t want to leave until I know he’s alright.” Olivia looked pained into his eyes and Rafael knew, what was going on inside of his friend. She cared for everyone in her squad, counted them as part of her family and all she wanted to do was to carry their pain. She did not want to see Carisi being destroyed by the new job. Rafael did not want either, but most of all, he wanted to remove this expression from his best friend’s face. He had never been able to endure to see Olivia like this.</p><p>“Let me handle this, okay? I think I know where he is.”, he offered her with a soft, warm voice as he tilted his head slightly so he was able to look into her lowered eyes. He squeezed squeezing her arm comfortingly and smiled reassuringly, trying to provide comfort with his aura.</p><p>“Will you be nice to him, Rafa?”</p><p>“Yes, I will.”, he assured without hesitation and nodded. “I promise.”</p><p>Olivia blinked in surprise, but she appeared relieved that he was not giving any sarcastic retort, because it proved he was serious. Not that she needed to be concerned about it. He would have been nice even if she had not told him to. He might love teasing Carisi, but he never would in such a situation.</p><p>“I’m glad that you’re back.”, she said with a thin voice as she hugged him tight and Rafael knew, what she was actually saying: ‘<em>I’m glad I have someone I can rely on again. I’m glad that I don’t have to take care of this on my own.’</em></p><p>Because Rafael was the only person within her friends, who was not her subordinate. He was not someone she needed to protect and she knew that he was a strong fighter, who always had her back. Therefore, Olivia was able to trustingly pass one a bit of her burden to him. She knew, he would carry it for her any time.</p><p>“Leave this to me, Liv.” He placed a soft kiss to her forehead.</p><p>“Okay.” Olivia nodded, taking a deep, relieved breath. She opened her eyes again and smiled softly. “Thank you, Rafa.”</p><p>“You’re welcome. Well, I should better get going.” He clapped her shoulder and turned around.</p><p>“Oh, Rafa?”, she called him back to his surprise.</p><p>“Yeah?”, he asked and turned his head back to her.</p><p>“The entire squad planning on going to Central Park on Sunday with the kids. Do you want to come too?”</p><p>“I’d love to.” Rafael smiled softly and was a little surprised by himself at how much he was looking forward to it.</p><p>“Great.” Olivia’s face expression was bright from happiness and this alone made it all worth it- no matter how exhausting Sunday was going to be. “See you soon, Rafa.”</p><p>“Yes.” He smiled. “I’m going to text you, when I talked to him.”</p><p>“Thanks.” With one last smile, Olivia rushed out of the courthouse. Rafael starred at the door of the courtroom for a moment and the smile on his lips flickered. Then, he took a deep breath and tore himself away. If he was right, where Carisi was and what would be going on inside of him- which to be fair he was very often- he needed to get something first.</p><p>With knowing steps, he walked through the halls, down a stair and back to the entrance. Left to the tall, double-winged, wooden door was a little gatehouse of the doorkeeper. Behind the glass sat a man shortly before retirement with grey, dusky hair, but awake, light blue eyes. His face was wrinkled, evidence of all the things the man had experienced and seen in his life. His suit was cheap and too big for him, indicated he was not best of health anymore, because he had weighed more, when Rafael had last seen him. Still, he smiled warmly at every person who entered, while he checked their ID cards.</p><p>“So, my eyes didn’t fool me.”, Rafael said with a little too big smile to be just teasing as he knocked against the glass. “Old Gary is still sitting on his spot. Did you put roots? One day you’re going to fuse with your chair.”</p><p>“And then I’m going to be a big, wise oak.” With a wide smile on his lips, Gary turned around. “Hello, Mister Barba.”</p><p>Gary stood up to open the glass door for Rafael.</p><p>“Long time not seen. Are you working here again?”</p><p>“No.” Rafael shook his head and his smile flickered again.</p><p>“That’s sad. You were my favourite ADA.” The pale blue eyes shone brightly, showing that Gary was honest and Rafael felt happy about it. Gary was working here for almost all of his life and was the kind soul of the courthouse, though most person did not care to spare him a second gaze. Rafael had been one of them, until one day he had been running terribly late. So late that he had not been able to get a single coffee. When he had rushed past Gary, he had called him back. Annoyed, Rafael had turned around only to find that Gary was pouring him a cup. It had not been good coffee, but it had been enough to kick up his caffeine level. Ever since, Gary had been his life saver and secret weapon in courthouse more than once.</p><p>“Thank you.” Rafael returned the kind smile. “A friend of mine and former detective is trying his first case today and I want to pay a visit.”</p><p>“That’s kind of you.” And kindness was the highest deed for Gary. He had been one of the first to see how kind Rafael actually was behind his hard façade.</p><p>“You might know him. Dominick Carisi?” Gary tilted his head and starred at the point where the glass window hit the ceiling blinking, while running through his thoughts.</p><p>“Oh, yes! Tall, salt-and pepper hair? All limbs and almost no torso?”</p><p>“Yes, exactly.” Rafael huffed and chuckled, his smile reaching from one cheek to the other.</p><p>“He appeared nice.”</p><p>“He is.” The smile disappeared from his face. “Actually, I’m concerned he’s too kind for the job. It’s a fine line between it being his strongest weapon or greatest curse.”</p><p>Garry nodded in agreement.</p><p>“Is it possible you could support him with your magic a little?”</p><p>“My magic?” The old man laughed so loud that he had to held his stomach. “I’m not a sorcerer, Mister Barba.”</p><p>“And yet you happen to have everything hidden somewhere in your drawers.” Rafael smirked and leaned against the desk. “I wish I have more time to talk, but the evidence hearing is just over and he rushed off.”</p><p>“Oh.”, Gary said knowingly and nodded. “Water and pretzels?”</p><p>“That would be perfect. Thank you.” While Gary rolled away with his chair to the other side of the doorkeeper house and opened one of the lowest drawers. “I’ll drop off sometime soon and tell you everything I’ve been up to, I promise.”</p><p>“I count on that.”, Gary mumbled distracted as he pulled out a package of pretzels and then reached under his desk to open a fridge to get out a bottle of water. “You probably should warm it up a little. For a nervous stomach it might be too cold.”</p><p>“I know.” Rafael rolled his eyes as he took the items from Gary. “Thank you. I rather should hurry and look after him. See you soon, Gary.”</p><p>“Have a nice day, Mister Barba.”</p><p>“Thanks. You too.” He smiled one last time, then left and strode towards his destination.</p><p>Rafael headed towards a bathroom. It was not the one closest to the courtroom, because those were quite frequented and the chance of running into someone was high. Instead, he headed towards a distant, almost hidden one, which was rarely used.</p><p>He knew that bathroom well. He had used it often after a case had gone south to get a break. Just a moment to breath to compose himself, before the SVU would storm at him with claims. A few minutes to collect his thoughts and to assess, what had gone wrong, while splashing some water into his face. Or in his less experienced days to…</p><p>Rafael stopped his thought just as much as his steps. This part of the hallway was empty, almost appearing like a ghost town and this was exactly what Sonny would need. Rafael looked around, but he was nowhere to be seen and he began to wonder, how long exactly the new ADA had been gone. According to Olivia’s concern and the time he had needed to get here, Carisi should have been out by now. Maybe he had missed him and that would not be good.</p><p>Rafael remembered too well, how he had felt after his first case had been over and his had not been as rocky and hard as Carisi’s. That much he had been able to tell from Olivia’s cagey answers. He sighed and leaned against the pillar right in front of the bathroom door with the milk glass window. He did not want to startle Carisi with his sudden appearance. Rafael had never been the kind of person for backstabbing- at least not with his friends and in court only if it was absolutely necessary.</p><p>Five minutes could be long when you waited, but then Rafael saw a tall contour behind the milky glass, which appeared to wash his hands. Rafael stood up straighter, because he had slid down the pile a little over the time and then the door opened. It was indeed Carisi, who came out of the bathroom, his head lowered and his breathing still harder than usual as he wiped with hand over the corners of his mouth. When he realized there was a person standing on the other side of the floor, his blue eyes widened in shock and his head snapped up, but the moment he realized, whom that person was, he petrified and Rafael used the chance to look closer to him.</p><p>It was obvious what had happened in the bathroom. The corners of his mouth were slightly injured, but even without that hint, Rafael would have known. He remembered too well, how it was, when the adrenaline of the case vanished and all those suppressed emotions returned in full strength.</p><p>“I wish I could say the waiting is going to get better over the time.” Rafael smiled compassionately as he pushed himself away from the pile and held out the bottle of the water. Carisi blinked, slowly escaping his paralysation and his eyes suddenly became tired, a dark shadow clouding the blue.</p><p>“But it won’t?” Frustrated, he lowered his head, obviously ashamed that Rafael of all people had to see him like this- that weak. Rafael noticed it by how he was clenching his fists and bit his bottom lip- a picture of embarrassment and misery.</p><p>“Sadly, no it won’t.”, Rafael said as he covered the last few between them and lowered the bottle. “It will always depend on the case, but you’ll learn how to handle it better.”</p><p>“Will I?”</p><p>“Yes.” Carisi looked back up by the confident tone of Rafael and to Rafael’s surprise, he took the offered water. Quickly, he opened the lit and swallowed a big gulp of it.</p><p> “Thanks for the water.” And for a moment Rafael thought that Carisi was glad that he had not mentioned that he had just thrown up in there. To hear a remark about it from his former mentor would have made him even more ashamed.</p><p>“You’re welcome.”, Rafael said warmly. “You will grow more confident over the time, Carisi, I promise. You have to give your best and trust your intuition. That’s all you can do, but a trial is always like a Russian roulette. You can have all the evidence in the world and the jury still won’t be on your side.”</p><p>“That’s not very encouraging.”, Carisi mumbled glumly and sighed.</p><p>“No, but it also means there are factors involved you simply can’t control.”, Rafael explained calmly and comfortingly squeezed his shoulder. “Even with the best preparation. It’s unjust. It feels wrong, but it’s sadly how it is. So, you must learn to gain your confidence and inner peace from the knowledge that you did everything you could. Because that is the only thing, you’re truly responsible for.”</p><p>“Barba…” Carisi looked at him in surprise, obviously not having expected these kind words. Rafael smirked slightly amused. Had he grown that soft over the years? But then Carisi sighed heavily and the brightness disappeared, a shadow of doubts covered his face, which Rafael knew well. His shoulder slumped and he turned his head away, starring stubbornly onto the tiles. “But what if it wasn’t enough? I’m responsible for a human’s life.”</p><p>“Don’t let the doubts get you, Carisi.”, Rafael’s velvety, smooth voice reassured and suddenly, they felt closer again as if the past two years had never happened. As if Rafael hadn’t missed, how Sonny rose and grew and he felt a little swell of pride inside his heart to see how far his former protégé had come. It was nice to see how the potential he had seen in him came to shine. Now, he only must help Carisi to realize it, too. He had everything this job needed. He just needed to believe in himself. “That you do just shows, that you did an excellent job.”</p><p>“What?” Carisi blinked confused and Rafael smiled as he had achieved, what he had been aiming for.</p><p>“It proves that you’re a good man and that your only interest is to fight for the victim. You have a good instinct and a kind heart. It’s everything you need and you have to believe in that. I do.”</p><p>Carisi was truly baffled for a moment, but then he snorted a laugh and all the tension faded out of him.</p><p>“Who are you and what have you done with Barba?”, he asked with his typical bright chuckle in his voice.</p><p>“Not the first time I’ve been asked that lately.” Rafael grinned with this typical keen smile. “Let’s just say that time smooths out some edges. Want to sit for a moment, while we wait?”</p><p>“We?” Carisi blinked surprised and looked into his eyes and Rafael nodded.</p><p>“I would have wished for someone to sit with me, when I waited for my first judgement. Only if you want to, of course. If you’d rather want me to…”</p><p>“No…no…” Denyingly, he waved his hands and sighed. When he looked back up, there was an honest, grateful smile on his face. “I’m sorry, I didn’t want to appear ungrateful, Barba. Thank you.”</p><p>“You’re welcome.” And Rafael meant it. There was not a single trace of sarcasm in his voice. Instead it was full of honest compassion, appreciation and even a tingle of pride. A tone, which surprised Carisi for a moment. He had learned to handle the sarcastic, snarky and confident Rafael Barba, but this soft and warm one was something new. Not unpleasant. Just new. Although, it was not so new. It had just been well hidden.</p><p>“I have to admit I’m surprised that you’re here.”, Sonny said as they sat down on the bench and drank more of the offered water. Rafael smiled, because the new ADA appeared much more relaxed and calmer than just a few moments ago. He liked Carisi more like this, because it made his true aura of compassion and kindness shine. Carisi had always been a pleasant company- even back then, when Rafael had helped him passing the bar.</p><p>If Rafael was honest, he had only been strict with Carisi, because he had known how much potential he had and wanted to help him to get to his best. It appeared it had worked out. Even in his anxious state and after just throwing up, he appeared more one with himself and more confident.</p><p>“Of course, I am here.”, Rafael said and could not completely hide the little flicker of pain. What or when had he given Carisi the impression that he would not been rooting for him, when he had his first trial? Oh right, probably, when he left without a word. “You were my protégé and you are my friend.”</p><p>“Did you truly say I’m your friend? Am I dreaming?” Bright, blue eyes starred at him surprised and Rafael smiled with a twitch of sadness as he starred at the wall.</p><p>“No, you aren’t. I just had a lot of time to think.” He turned his head to him. “I was quite though with you. I had best intention, but maybe it was too much at times.”</p><p>“No worries, Barba.”</p><p>“Don’t you want to call me Rafael by now?”</p><p>“Only if you call me Sonny.”, Sonny teased and grinned as bright as the sun.</p><p>“Stick with Barba.”, Rafael said neutrally. Both starred at each other and then began to laugh. The atmosphere around them cleared up and the heaviness, which had suffocated the air, subsided.</p><p>“Thank you. I know, what you did and I feel better now.” Relaxed, Sonny leaned back against the lean of the bench and stretched his long limps.</p><p>“I was still honest.”, Rafael said to emphasise he did not simply say it to cheer him up.</p><p>“I know.” Carisi’s face became soft. “Thank you.”</p><p>Then there was a pause, where the years still were undeniable and neither of them knew, what to say. They had missed many things in the other’s life and even though they still felt close, that they were not as much as they had used to.</p><p>“I actually wanted to offer you something for a while…”, Rafael broke the silence with a heavy tone.</p><p>“What? The pretzels which you’re holding in your hand?” For a moment, Rafael blinked confused and Carisi pointed with his head towards the package in his hands, which Rafael had completely forgotten about.</p><p>“No, not them.” The former prosecutor laughed again and starred down at it with a soft smile, before he opened it and handed it over to Carisi, who took it gratefully and picked up two little pretzels. Rafael took a deep breath and then turned to him: “I just wanted to say I’m here if you ever need any help.”</p><p>“Really?” The younger man blinked in surprise and his head jerked to him. Rafael nodded and smiled encouragingly.</p><p>“I just didn’t offer it, because you should find your own way and approach as prosecutor. Mine doesn’t have to be yours.”</p><p>“Barba…” Carisi inhaled sharply through his nose in surprise, the nostrils flaring slightly and any other moment, Rafael would have been content to confuse Carisi like that, but this was not such a moment like this. Even without the promise he had given Olivia, he would not be mean to Carisi, because he remembered too clearly, how nervous and insecure he had felt. How he had run through the entire trial over and over, brooding over his actions if he could have done more. If he should have reacted differently and Carisi was that kind of man, who would always be involved in a case with all his heart. Rafael knew that if he did not distract him, he would likely be overflowed by doubts again and he did not want this to happen. “Thank you.”</p><p>Luckily, Carisi was a person, who adapted quickly to a new situation and the surprise disappeared, his face softening. The silence that followed this time was more comfortable and fonder. The both men and former colleagues enjoyed just to be back together. If Rafael was honest, he liked this more than before. It felt much more natural, now that their professional relation was not constricting them anymore. In this moment, Rafael came to realise that it was not this situation where they did not know how to behave. It had been back then, when the professional had denied them to see, how well they actually worked and how harmonic their energy was.</p><p>Carisi smiled and so did Rafael, a pleasant warmth of friendship and respect spreading between them. Or was there a shimmer of something else flickering in the air?</p><p>“I’m glad, you’re back in town, Barba.”, Carisi suddenly said with a quite serious tone in his voice, which made Rafael listen up. He frowned in concern and looked at Carisi with deep, green eyes, who starred with a thoughtful expression at the opposite wall. “I was actually concerned about you after you left.”</p><p>“About me?”, Rafael asked in surprise and quickly turned his head to the man next to him. Carisi nodded and finally turned back around him. The expression in the blue eyes reflected all the sorrows that he had expectedly felt in the past.</p><p>“You’ve been through much, Barba, and it was plain obvious, how much it troubled you. How…” Helplessly, Carisi waved through the air as if he could catch the word he was looking for. He sighed, when he found no better way to describe Rafael’s state and that would not hurt him. “…how broken you were.”</p><p><em>Broken</em>. Rafael truly did not like, how the word sounded, but he had to admit that it was painfully fitting. He had fought so long against the darkness that he was not been able to deny how disillusioned he had become over the two decades he had served the legal system.</p><p>“I…I’m sorry.”, Carisi hurriedly tried to calm Rafael down, but the former prosecutor shook his head.</p><p>“No, you’re right. It was just a bit unpleasant to realise it.” He sighed and rubbed his eyebrows.</p><p>“Nonetheless, I was glad to see you were fine at the Christmas party.”, Carisi said with a warm smile. Rafael had not been back in New York for long, when Olivia had convinced him to come to the precinct Christmas party. Carisi and he had not talked much, but now that he thought of it, he had noticed, how Carisi had kept an eye on him.</p><p>“I’m sorry I left without saying good-bye to you.”</p><p>“It’s alright.”, the former detective said with a comforting tone and Rafael breathed out in relief, happy that they had finally sorted the last unspoken things out. The last loose end that had prevented him to leave his past behind.</p><p>Just when Rafael was about to offer to go outside to get some fresh air, Carisi’s mobile phone rang. He almost jumped on the bench at the sudden, loud tone. For a few moments, he hesitated and looked at Rafael, who nodded encouragingly.</p><p>“The jury is back.”, Carisi said, when he checked the display and his voice trembled.</p><p>“Shall I accompany you?”, Rafael offered softly. “Liv had to go back to the office. Then someone would be with you. No matter how it turns out.”</p><p>Carisi thought about the offer for a moment, but then he bit the bullet and left his pride behind.</p><p>“Yes, please.”</p><p>“Okay.”, Rafael said with a smile and squeezed his shoulder. “Let’s go.”</p><p>~*~</p><p><em>Guilty</em> was a momentous word. While it was heavy for some, it could be a relief for others. Carisi belonged to the latter. His entire body slumped, when the jury announced the verdict. It was as if the tension and pressure of the entire trial disappeared and his limbs became sluggish and weak, though Rafael likely was the only one to notice, because he knew what he had to look for.</p><p>With a gaze containing his entire soul and emotions, Carisi turned back around to him and for a little moment, Rafael found it weird to be on the other side of these long side glances, but he smiled proudly and nodded in appreciation to the new ADA. Seeing Carisi succeeding and thriving eased his heart a little. To know that his position had been filled with the right man. Carisi had the potential to make a real difference: for the SVU and the victims. With a bit more of experience, Rafael was sure he was going to be a great prosecutor. A small smile of pride flickered around Carisi’s mouth, when his accomplishment was recognized by his former mentor.</p><p>Rafael got up and pointed towards the door with his head, letting Carisi know he would wait outside. Barth would likely want to speak with him afterwards and Rafael did not want to steal the attention. This here was about Carisi’s victory and that should be the only focus. Carisi nodded and then turned around to collects his material, while Rafael left the room with the other people.</p><p>He waited for Carisi around the corner, fiddling with his mobile, for one moment considering, if he should write to Olivia about how it turned out, but it was up to Carisi. Therefore, he put the mobile phone away and simply waited. His eyes wandered through the halls and the hard feeling of melancholy settled inside of him again and he realized once again that he truly missed it. He had lived for this for twenty years.</p><p>Now, it was a new phase of his life, but it appeared Rafael had not been able to say completely good-bye. Secretly, he actually hoped that Carisi would ask him for advice every now and again. A soft, tender smile spread over his lips and he exhaled softly. He might miss it, but he did not need it anymore.</p><p>Just when Rafael had come to the conclusion, he heard the well-known, hurried steps of Carisi on the marble tiles.</p><p>“Sorry about that. Barth wanted to talk to me.”, he apologised, a little out of breath although it had not been far.</p><p>“No worry.”, Rafael reassured softly and Carisi looked up.</p><p>“Congratulation on winning your first case.”, the voice of former prosecutor was bright as he felt the trusted, warm shower of endorphins from relief rushing through him, which he remembered of his days as a prosecutor.</p><p>Carisi on the other hand still appeared to need some time to truly realize his victory, because he appeared a little erratic. He was a nuance paler than usually- and the reason was not the colour of the light above them- and he appeared to be weak in the knees as Carisi rested his head against the wall for a few moments, while he took several deep, deliberate breaths. Rafael frowned, but he knew what the reason was. The adrenaline and tension were completely disappearing and the mental alert would</p><p>“Hey, you just got your first conviction.” Encouragingly, he squeezed Carisi’s arm and took a step closer, which gained his attention. The other man blinked and slowly focused on Rafael, the deep blue ocean slowly becoming clearer again.</p><p>“I won…”, Carisi slowly repeated as the reality began to sink in.</p><p>“Yes, you did.” Rafael smiled widely and nodded. “Well done, Sonny.”</p><p>He smirked, when Sonny was still too distracted to notice, how Rafael had called him. Actually, he had decided to do the former detective the favour of calling him like that beforehand, but Carisi’s tease about his offer had left him no choice than to play along. Now, though, there was no reason to deny it anymore. There was no need for professionalism between them anymore and if it meant so much to his former protégé, Rafael had surprisingly less objections inside his heart anymore. Well, maybe he could use that now to help Sonny to overcome this dizziness of victory, which he still remembered form his early years.</p><p>“Thank you, Barba…” But then, something seemed to hit the new ADA and he blinked. “Wait! Did you just call me Sonny?”</p><p>“I did. A bit slow on the uptake?”, Rafael teased and leaned back with a content smirk. Sonny huffed and that was the sound Rafael had hoped for. Immediately, the smugness of his face expression softened into a warmth, which had been rarely seen on Rafael Barba’s face before he had left.</p><p>“Really?” Carisi frowned and yet was super excited at the same time, which caused Rafael to chuckle and shake his head about an all grown-up man, victorious prosecutor being gleeful about being called by such a silly nickname. But somehow, what had annoyed him only a few years ago, was something what warmed his heart now and Rafael hoped, Sonny would never lose it.</p><p>“Really.” Rafael nodded in confirmation and the smile on Sonny’s face could compete with the sun. “So, how are you going to celebrate? Having a drink with the squad?”</p><p>“No.” Sonny shook his head. “We couldn’t know when the jury is back and Liv and Amanda wouldn’t be able to get a baby sitter spontaneous. So, we decided to celebrate on Friday. I think I just gonna order some food and relax.”</p><p>“Really?” A deep frown wrinkled the valley between Rafael’s brows and he tilted his head. When he had won his first case, he had been out in several bars and let everyone know, who had been interested, what a big win he had achieved. No one had to know that it had only been traffic offense.</p><p>And Sonny wanted to go home? No, Rafael could not let it happen. Sonny deserved better than that.</p><p>“How about I’m going to buy you a drink and you tell me everything about the case?”, he therefore offered. Sonny startled in surprise and turned to Rafael.</p><p>“Really? You’d want to do that?” Would Sonny not look at him completely aghast, Rafael likely would have rolled his eyes and glared at him, but like that, he only huffed and smirked:</p><p>“Otherwise I wouldn’t have offered it.” Still, the new counsellor was not convinced and hesitated, but after a few moments of sternly starring at the wall, he exhaled his doubts and turned to Rafael with a smile.</p><p>“I’d like it.” Rafael returned the friendly face expression and placed a gentle, firm hand onto the other man’s shoulder.</p><p>“Come on. I know just where to go to celebrate.”</p><p>~*~</p><p>The restaurant Rafael had chosen was small, but comfortable somewhere in a calmer area of New York- well as calm as it could be in this city. It provided not more than place than for 20 guests, which offered a feeling a privacy and that was something that the two old and yet new friends needed. There were many things to speak about, which coiled between them in the air filled with scent of meat and coffee, and they had not found the time to express them yet.</p><p>But not right away, because that moment asked for lightness, a drink in hand and words of congratulations.</p><p>The waiter was attentive and stood in front of their table only two minutes after they had settled down comfortably. Rafael overtook it to order or otherwise Sonny would celebrate his victory with cheap, horrid beer and he could not accept that. Therefore, he ordered something good- two glasses of Chivas Regal. The waiter smiled warmly and happily, appreciating Rafael’s choice.</p><p>“Here you are.” It did not take look, until he returned with two crystal glasses filled with amber coloured liquid.</p><p>“Thank you. Can we get a starter plate, please?”, Rafael asked friendly and smiled at the waiter, who nodded and wrote it down, before he left the table. Rafael was almost certain that Sonny likely had not eaten enough. It was one of the curses of anxiety. “Well, then. Congratulation on going through your baptism of fire and winning your first case.”</p><p>“Thank you.” Sonny laughed in happiness and relief, which made him look so much younger, dimples brightening his face.</p><p>“Cheers.”, they said as a choir, their voices melting together as they chinked their glasses and took a sip. For a blended scotch, Chivas had a sweet taste with a note of vanilla, honey and ripe apple and that was why Rafael had chosen it. Sonny was not fond of the burning sensation of strong liquor and according to the surprised expression on his face, he had made the right decision.</p><p>“So smooth.”, Sonny said impressed as he looked at glass in his hand. Rafael laughed from deep down his stomach, sounding as full-bodied as the scotch.</p><p>“I know.”, he said with a knowing grin and leaned back on his bench, content with himself. Sonny huffed, but smiled. “And now, tell me all about it, while we wait for the starters.”</p><p>In this moment, Sonny’s eyes lit up and, in his excitement, the words almost always tumbled from his mouth faster than he could actually speak them. Most would have trouble to follow, but Rafael was used to it, when the former detective almost stumbled over his own voice, while he gesticulated wildly with his hands.</p><p>Sonny loved, what he was doing, what he was fighting for. That much was obvious from the way his eyes shone and how excited he was. It was something Rafael had always liked about him. He was truly enthusiastic and fascinated by law and how it could help people. It was not about money or prestige for him. He had the right motivation.</p><p>When he ended his report, Sonny took a deep gulp from his tumbler, because his mouth had become dry.</p><p>“A good tactic to break down his reserve.”, Rafael said full of appreciation and Sonny appeared to be embarrassed according to the way he held onto his glass and did not look up. “That was an excellent comeback.”</p><p>Rafael would have expected a bright smile and happy eyes, but Sonny stayed silent, brooding over something he was not sharing with him yet.</p><p>“Sonny?”</p><p>“Can I tell you something and you won’t laugh at me?”, he whispered quietly after some moments and suddenly sounded like the boy, who had been bullied. Rafael frowned in concern and looked at him, but Sonny did not return the gaze.</p><p>“Of course. I promise.”, he said softly, biting down on the witty remark, which had almost slipped from his tongue. Sonny blinked, but the calm tone of Rafael’s deep timbre appeared to reassure him.</p><p>“I practised your summations in front of the mirror.” His voice was quiet, almost not audible, but Rafael heard them.</p><p>“You did?”, he asked surprised and Sonny nodded, still avoiding his gaze, appearing so very lost. He took another sip of the liquid courage and inhaled deeply.</p><p>“You’re the best lawyer, I’ve ever met. From the first moment, I knew I wanted to be one like you, if I pass the bar.”</p><p>Rafael actually did not know, what to think or feel. He was not sure if he was an appropriate idol. Sure, he had quite the winning quote in court and compared to some other’s he did not have to play dirty to keep it, but he knew, what price he had to pay to achieve it. How much toll it had taken on his life and mental health- which he had only been able to contain by putting an armour of clothes, sarcasm and arrogancy on. It had been his way to deny, even to himself, how much he actually cared.</p><p>But Sonny was not the kind of person, who could live like that. He was not a man of sword and armour. He wore his heart openly on his chest. More than once, it had almost felt as if they had become a part of him by the way how concerningly accurate he had been able to emphasise with them. It was the greatest help for a victim, granting them a feeling of being supported and understood or to get into the head of a criminal. To capture a predator, you could not remain the prey. You had to become an equal in every way. You had to become the beast- just in a different way, but the question was, how much of this dirt remained in his soul and how much of this poison his mind could take.</p><p>No, Rafael’s way of an approaching his cases would destroy Sonny sooner or later. Especially, if there was no one there, who would protect him- from the emotions that is.</p><p>“Could you say something please?”, Sonny said in a tone, which was close to a desperate solicitation and the blue eyes shivered as he looked up. “I screwed it up, now, didn’t I? I knew it! I should have just kept my mouth shut...”</p><p>He shifted restlessly on his seat as his anxiety took over again, whispering things into his ear, which were distorted reality. Rafael recognized it right away and he knew, when someone already had an attack at a day, they remained vulnerable to their demon’s voices, most trained coping mechanism decreasing in their effects.</p><p>“Sonny…”, he said softly and yet mighty like a wave of the ocean. The only way to reach through the deafening sound of blood rushing in the ears as he had learned. “You didn’t screw it up.”</p><p>The man on the other side of the table froze as Rafael handed him a shield, while simultaneously disarming his mental disorder.</p><p>“I just don’t know what to say to this, to be honest.”, he continued calmly and finally, Sonny looked up, but his irises still shook from the aftermath of the panic, which he had almost buried himself in. “I feel honoured that you chose me as your idol, but…”</p><p>Rafael let his eyes wander over the room as he searched for a way to express in words, which were only vaguely sitting in his stomach. He knew that if he did not continue soon, the anxiety would use the chance to feast on Sonny’s feeling of vulnerability in front of the man, who obviously had such a great impact on his life. A bigger one than Rafael had expected, to be honest and that also meant that he was slightly responsible for making sure that Sonny would not get lost on the dark path, which led down to the purgatory of humanity. </p><p>In the end, Rafael decided to simply speak how it came to his mind. If he tried to form his thoughts into a special package of words in order to achieve a purpose, Sonny would only notice and it likely made the situation even worse.</p><p>“But I don’t know, if my way is the right one for you.”</p><p>“Because I’m too weak…”, Sonny murmured resigned and swirled the glass of scotch gloomily in his hand, his eyes appearing dark in the dimly light of the restaurant.</p><p>“No.”, Rafael denied with determined voice and serious face. “You’re not weak, Sonny. Kindness needs more strength than embitterment.”</p><p>The insecure man looked up in disbelief, because in this moment, on the edge of falling, all he could possibly feel was weakness and exhaustion.</p><p>“Wearing your heart open on your chest needs much more strength than to hide behind an armour.” Thoughtfully, Rafael’s thumb brushed over the crystal glass, meeting a cool drop of scotch, which ran like a tear down the brim. It was a cognition he had gained not so long ago and it had made him understand that strength sometimes was not visible at first glance.</p><p>“Rafael…”, Sonny whispered surprised, likely without realizing which name he had used. It was not the first time Rafael noticed, how much more he liked it to be called by his first name than not so long ago. Back in his day as prosecutor, he had insisted on being called Barba, because it had been a sign of respect and respect had meant most to him back then. Likely, because he had not experienced much of it in his youth and he had to build it up carefully over the years. But now, he had grown older and wiser and came to realize how much more important closeness to other people was. Being called by his last name had always distanced him from others without him actually realizing or caring about it.</p><p>“I know the voices inside your head are loud, now, trying to destroy your victory, but please, don’t listen them. Don’t let them ruin, what you have accomplished.” Rafael Barba’s eyes did not beg often, but they did this time, because he truly did not wish for this day to end on a dark note for Sonny. This kind, warm man deserved better than something happy being distorted by his own mind.</p><p>Eyes as wide as the ocean starred at him and Rafael returned the gaze with a sea of green, holding the surprised gaze for a while to emphasise his words. Sonny was able to hold it longer than Rafael had expected and he breathed in deeply in order to enhance his aura of calmness, hoping that it would help him to fight against those devilish ghosts, which lived in his mind, restricting the person he could be.</p><p>In this moment, the waiter returned just in time to maybe save the celebration, before it turned south. He carried a white ceramic plate filled with different variances of starters and bread to get along with it. There was ham, cheese, olives, vegetable, fruits and diverse dips. Rafael smiled gratefully at the waiter and asked for another fill of drink.</p><p>Then, he slid the plate closer to Sonny in a silent request. Sonny blinked, but knew that Rafael would not let go, before not at least one piece of food was in his stomach. No matter how stressful the time had been, he had always made sure that the squad got something to eat, when they had been buried in case files and discussions or he brought snacks to the precinct.</p><p>Sonny’s stomach rumbled at the sight of all those delicious looking dishes and the primary urge chased everything else away. He had not eaten properly in days due to his nervousness. He looked up and met waiting, demanding eyes and a little smile.</p><p>“Come on, eat something and I tell you about my first case.”, Rafael said softly, who had not missed the demand of Sonny’s stomach. He smiled without saying a word and waiting, while Sonny considered the offer, his eyes flicking between the starter plate and Rafael, but then he sighed and took a piece of bread, a slice of prosciutto and draped it on top of it, garneting it with an olive. Heartedly, he took a bite of it and it appeared like it truly helped. The wrinkles of concern on his face smoothed out and he closed his eyes, when the familiar composition of tastes danced on this tongue. When he swallowed it, he exhaled deeply and the tension faded.</p><p>“Thank you, Rafael.”, he said as he leaned back- this time on purpose- and did not just meant the offer or food. Rafael knew of course. He always knew. That was one of his greatest talents. He always knew, what others hid behind words, because he had hidden some many cries for help in his undertone and choice of words, but no one had been able to hear them. Or no one had wanted to or had cared to listen. In the end, it did not matter, because what had not killed him, made him stronger and maybe, it had been meant to be that way, because like this he could be a help for his friends.</p><p>“So, my first case…”, Rafael murmured and leaned back, casually crossing his right leg over the left. “I was so young and thought I ruled the world.”</p><p>He chuckled softly and shook his head and Sonny took another piece of bread.</p><p>“I had just finished Harvard as best of my year. Rita has never forgiven me for that.” He laughed and smirked contently as his feet bobbed to a melody that only he could hear.</p><p>“What was your first case?”, Sonny asked, his voice filled with curiosity warm and sweet just like their scotch.</p><p>“Traffic offense. A man was refusing to pay his traffic tickets. It was an easy one, but I felt like I was on top of the world, when I won.”</p><p>“I can hardly imagine you being optimistic once in your life.” Sonny chuckled and took another sip of the Chivas.</p><p>“Over confident is more fitting.”, Rafael smirked and shook his head as he looked up at the ceiling. “But it helped. I tried every case with the same confidence and won all of them, because I was clever. With such state of evidence, they were cinch and I climbed the ladder quickly, but it couldn’t go on like this forever and spoiled by triumphs, the fall was ever so deep.”</p><p>“You lost?”</p><p>“Yes, big time.” Rafael nodded. “It turned out, I was a bad loser and drowned my disgrace in alcohol. What bothered me the most was that it had been such an easy one. One like I tried many times before. It had made me careless and my arrogance was punished immediately. I made a flaw, blew the case and a hit-and run driver, who had almost killed a man, got away. After I pitied myself for the night and the new day began to dawn, I stared out of the window and began to question myself and the answers I found despised me. I had been so eager to make career to escape the Bronx and therefore my childhood, to prove myself and gain prestige that I lost out of sight, what truly mattered. I realized that I wasn’t mad, because a man, who would be paralysed for the rest of his life, did not get any justice, but because I lost because of my stupidity. It was this moment I realized I was on the wrong path. I had lost, but I could get up and try again, leaving the case in the files, while someone else had to pay the price. When I made myself ready to go back to work and tied my tie, I wasn’t able to look into my eyes. I was ashamed of myself that I allowed to be blinded by the glimpse of the upper class that I caught.”</p><p>“Rafael…”</p><p>“But I’m a person of all or nothing. I became the complete opposite afterwards and it was just as bad. I fought stubbornly for justice and it almost destroyed me, because each loss- no matter how small- ate more of me up and those missing pieces couldn’t be replaced by the victories.” He sighed heavily and embraced his tumbler with both hands. “One day, I was sobered up and able to see the shark tank, which the world of lawyers is. In the end, I realized, I’d only find peace, if I try my best and if a case went wrong, I had to analyse my actions and learn from it so that it never happens again.”</p><p>His warm voice trailed off and his eyes became darker from thoughtfulness as he starred at an insignificant point on the wall. Sonny was silent, surprised and a little overwhelmed by what Rafael had revealed. Something, that only he knew, now.</p><p>Then, Sonny opened his mouth to say something to comfort him, but Rafael rose his hand and stopped him. He had expected this reaction from him, but this here was not about him being consoled by the kind, younger man. It was meant as an advice he wanted to share with him.</p><p>“We all doubt and struggle. It will always be like that.”, Rafael continued neutrally as if he talked about the weather and not one of his greatest struggles in life. “But most don’t begin in champions league like you, Sonny. Sexual crimes are the hardest to try and you know best why. No one starts with a case of a prominent athlete raping a woman. So, don’t be too hard with yourself. It will come to you with the experience. Listen to your intuition, learn from your mistakes and you’ll be fine. Today was just the proof for it.”</p><p>Sonny blinked, but then nodded and smiled, because he knew that Rafael Barba was always honest. There was nothing he despised more than lies or pampering others. Life was rough and there was no use in sugar coating it.</p><p>“And please, don’t compare yourself with me. That would be unfair towards you. Before we met, I had almost 20 years more experience. You’re not me. You are Sonny and there’s nothing bad about it. There’s more than one solution or approach. You are, who you are and you have to find a way to make this your strength.”</p><p>“Rafael…”, Sonny began, though still obviously looking for the words he wanted to say. Once again, the attentive waiter was their salvation. Silently, he peeled himself out of the shadows with a friendly smile on his face as he leaned down to refill their glasses. This time, they both thanked him, which he answered with a light nod of his head and disappeared.</p><p>“To you, <em>Counsellor</em>.”, Rafael announced ceremoniously, Sonny’s cheek a little red- not just from the drink, but then a happy smile spread all over his as he chinked his glass with his former mentor and there was it again. This little spark of pride and faith. Sonny would find his way just like he always had in his life.</p><p>From this point on, Sonny’s insecurity stayed behind the door and they had a pleasant evening with good food and even better drinks, but the best of the evening were their conversations. Over scotch and dinner, the bond between them strengthened, both finally discovering what connected them outside their jobs.</p><p>At one point, and none of them was able to tell when exactly, it turned into a date and feelings began to blossom, which had been in torpor for years. But it also was a fresh sprout. A healthier one, now that it could not potentially endanger their professional relation anymore.</p><p>No, those two men, who were sitting in the booth in that little, cosy restaurant were not mentor and protégé anymore. Along scotch and finest food, they left those old boundaries behind and became friends. Or maybe, there was something else flickering in the air? Rafael could not quite grasp what it was. Something softer and deeper? His heart was trying to tell him something, but he could not understand it. Or rather, he did not want to admit it yet. If this was supposed to become something more, something deeper, Rafael wanted to do it right. Rushing things would only lead to an inevitable disaster and Sonny was too precious to allow this to happen.</p><p>It did not take long until they relaxed in their seats, sitting more casually and comfortably as they discussed several things. Sonny told about his family and how his little niece Mia. He told him that Tommy finally got his life sorted out and had worked out the traumatic events with his parole officer, while Rafael talked about Iowa and his mother. They laughed a lot all the while and Rafael noticed the same, comfortable feeling settling inside his stomach, which he normally only feels with Olivia.</p><p>Slowly, though, all good things must come to an end and it was time for them to go home. Rafael called for the waiter and payed- giving him a generous tip- and said good-bye to him. The waiter thanked him and wished a wonderful evening, before both men gathered their coats and left the restaurant.</p><p>“Thank you for that, Rafael.”, Sonny said, when they had the separate, the stars shining brightly above their heads.</p><p>“You’re welcome.”, Rafael said softly and smiled warmly. “Good night, Sonny.”</p><p>The former detective hesitated a moment too long to return the good-bye, which caused Rafael to frown.</p><p>“Sonny? What’s wrong?” He tilted his head in concern and rested a comforting hand on his upper arm.</p><p>“I’m a little afraid to go home.”, he whispered the beginning of the explanation as he wrapped his arms protectively around him and ducked his head. “It’s so quiet there.”</p><p><em>Ah</em>. Rafael understood now.</p><p>“And you fear that the anxiety might come back? Even though you won?”</p><p>“It doesn’t care that I won.”, Sonny said contritely and exhaled exhaustedly. “It’s quite the nasty bastard and it had been some rough days. It will find other things to haunt me down with.”</p><p>“It must be hard to deal with this.”, Rafael said compassionately.</p><p>“It is…” He exhaled deeply and hugged himself a little tighter. Absently, he looked at the other side of the street, before he whispered quietly: “Could…could I ask you for another favour?”</p><p>“Of course.”, Rafael assured softly. “How can I help you?”</p><p>Sonny did not continue immediately, because he fought against the demons inside his head, who told him that Rafael was going to laugh at him about how pathetic he was, but it appeared that Sonny’s desperation, fear and longing were stronger and louder than them.</p><p>“Could you stay with me tonight?” Rafael tried not to look too surprised in order not to outface him, but it appeared like he was not succeeding, because Sonny added quickly: “I…I’m not trying to hit on you or anything. It’s…it’s just I…I…”</p><p>His voice broke off as the anxiety tried to hold him back, mentally wrestling him down, but Sonny had always been a fighter and he would not succumb to a distorted cognition of reality.</p><p>“I felt so much calmer and safer with you around. Just knowing you’re there…that I’d be able to talk to you, if it’s going to come back, would be a great help.” The words burst out of him as he used the small chance given to him and he almost stumbled over it. His cheeks were bright red and he did not dare to look into Rafael’s eyes as he waited for Rafael to laugh at him, but Rafael did not do it.</p><p>“It’s okay.”, he assured calmly as he took a step closer and put an arm around his shoulder. “I know, how emotionally upsetting all of this is. Especially for you. You’re neither weak nor selfish to ask of this.”</p><p>“Rafael.”, Sonny whispered and he sniffed miserably, a hand of his clenching into the sleeve of the arm, which held him and provided him a comfort.</p><p>“Take a deep breath, Sonny.”, Rafael said, tightening the hold a little, when Sonny showed no intention of jumping out of the sudden physical contact. Instead, he did as Rafael asked of him. He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, filling his lunges with air. It appeared to help, because after a few further intakes, Sonny loosened the grip around Rafael’s lower arm.</p><p>To Rafael’s surprise though, he did not pull away as soon as he had calmed down. Actually, he took a step closer to him, slightly leaning into the touch and in this moment, Rafael was not so sure, if it was only to feel the offered comfort or if there was more about it. But this was not the time to question his actions or the sudden fondness, which filled his heart. Sonny would likely sense it with his strong empathy and it would only cause him to become even more uncertain. Therefore, Rafael decided that finding out the answer could wait for another day. Being so close to Sonny was too pleasant to break the contact anyway and who knew, if or when he was ever going to hold him like this again? Therefore, he also rested his head slightly against Sonny’s cheek, ignoring the fact, how fast his heart was pounding.</p><p>“My flat isn’t far. How about we go there, I make us a cup of tea and then we talk until you fall asleep?”, Rafael offered, when Sonny had completely relaxed again.</p><p>“That would be nice.” Sonny huffed and smiled, but his eyes said <em>thank you</em>.</p><p>“Then let us go.” Rafael patted his upper arm comfortingly and turned around to lead the way.</p><p>~*~</p><p>Fifteen minutes later, Rafael stood in his kitchen, his jacket and vest carelessly disposed and his sleeves rolled up to his elbows as he waited for the water to boil. Sonny had made himself comfortable on the big living room suite out of black leather, which was the centre of the big, open room with an amazing view over the fascinating skyline of the Upper East Side.</p><p>Sonny had not moved for quite a while, his eyes hanging thoughtfully or absently- Rafael was not able to tell which one exactly- out of the window. When the water began to simmer, Rafael leaned down and opened the lowest drawer in the furthest corner of his kitchen to get two camomile teabags out to brew two cups.</p><p> “So…”, he announced as he carefully carried both cups to Sonny. “It appears I still had some teabags out of Stone Age hidden in my drawer. I hope it’s still fine.”</p><p>When Sonny did not react or turned around, Rafael frowned and increased the length of his steps to walk around the couch only to find that Sonny had fallen asleep. His head had dropped onto his shoulder, his breath coming evenly and Rafael could not help, but to smile softly as he put the cups quietly down onto the coffee table. Sonny appeared much younger asleep. The few of his wrinkles were smooth out, his mouth slightly open and his face finally relaxed.</p><p>“Sonny?”, Rafael asked quietly to find out, if he was snoozing or truly asleep. He showed no reaction and Rafael huffed. It was no surprised that the exhaustion had overwhelmed him. Most of the times, Rafael had not made it to his bed either and therefore, he had brought a broad couch on which he could sleep comfortable and Rafael could not deny that he was happy that Sonny felt that safe with him to be able to fall asleep.</p><p>Carefully, Rafael laid him down onto the ouch, resting his head onto a pillow and covered him with a warm blanket. A strand of the beautiful salt-and-pepper hair had come loose, hanging over Sonny’s brow and he could not help, but to tenderly brushed it back, while a feeling, which came quite close to love, spread through him.</p><p>“Good night, Sonny. Sleep well.”</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. A waking dream</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Sonny wakes up the next day, after Rafael helped him through his first case and believes it was a dream. Only to find out that it wasn't.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I told you, I would continue this story =)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Waiting had never been Sonny‘s greatest strength. He was compassionate, kind and warm-hearted, but not knowing what was going to happen was triggering that old fear inside of him, which he had never got quite rid of. When everything was slipping right out of his hands and he had no control about it anymore, he had the same queasy feeling wrenching at his guts like when had hurried to get home, before Bobby Bianchi was getting him.</p><p>It all began with his heart beating faster as if it tried to run away. The chest became too tight and the breathing more difficult. That wasn’t the point to worry, though. He knew how to handle it. Then came the cold sweat. It started on his temples and then on his neck, until it ran down his spine. That was the moment Sonny knew it was becoming critical and he needed to find a way out of the situation or the strong fear of his younger self would overwhelm him.</p><p>Sonny had learned over the time how to handle this situation. He had found some mechanism, which couldn’t prevent it, but made it more endurable and ensured he wasn’t losing himself in the panic. He wasn’t sure, if he was ever to be able to break through the surface again, when he lost his hold.</p><p>What was different now was that he didn’t know, how the jury was going to decide and it was a human’s mental health on the line. He was able to provide an end so that Monica might be able to leave it behind and with all of his heart, he didn’t want to let her down. She had been ignored long enough. He didn’t want her to feel exposed and even more humiliated. What if he hadn’t been good enough? What if he made a mistake and Monica had to pay for it for the rest of her life? He wasn’t sure if he was never going to be able to forgive himself and for the first time in forever, he felt helpless in the fight against the chaos in his heart and mind.</p><p>In this moment, he felt like he was losing his grasp. The constant doubt of the past days had weakened his mental resistance. He felt inadequate to fill out the shoes Baba had walked in. It was as if his echo was still resonating from those marble walls, watching every move and step of Sonny and he could hear the deep voice of the former prosecutor, which assessed and judged him. Sonny was aware it wasn’t Rafael, who was speaking. It was his own doubts, which mimicked the voice of the man, who was his idol, his hero and they knew his words would hurt most. Although Barba was gone, he still longed to gain his acknowledgement even though he was aware that he was hunting a ghost. Rafael might be back in New York, but they didn’t have much contact. They had spoken shortly at the precinct’s Christmas party, but that had been it. They had become foreign and distanced, two years gaping between them.</p><p>Sonny felt so ashamed, when the anxiety overtook him and he had no other choice than to throw up into a toilet, until there was nothing but acid hurting his throat anymore. He felt weak and pathetic as tears ran down his cheeks and the shiver slowly subsided.</p><p>With a deep sigh, he flushed the toilet and then leaned against the cold metal wall of the toilet cabinet. He closed his eyes and took some moments, until he was sure that he had regained control over his breathing.</p><p>The water he splashed into felt kind of reassuring. It was just cold enough to cool down his overheating system and cause a little shock to stop the faster turning carousel of his thoughts. He let the liquid salvation ran over his aorta to slow down the blood flow and force his heart to decrease its rhythm, which roared in his ears. Then he rinsed out his mouth to get rid of the bitter taste and cleaned its corners. It was a routine he had got to know.</p><p>Maybe, he truly wasn’t made for this job. Maybe, he had overestimated himself, when he was thrown off the track that easily. When one failure, one defeat was enough to make him questioning everything.</p><p>If Sonny was truly honest, he felt lost and alone. For years, he had been tossed around. The SVU of Manhattan was the first place he had felt at home and now, he had thrown that away for a new career step he was doubting after his <em>first</em> case. The dynamic between the squad had changed by his decision and they were watched closely. Maybe he had risked too much and lost. There was no way back anymore and that made him sad. He didn’t have much friends outside the squad and he didn’t trust them enough to speak over such a sensitive matter with them. Most men saw anxiety attacks as pathetic and Sonny didn’t need them telling him that. After all, the voices inside him already did and they didn’t need an additional confirmation would only encourage them.</p><p>Was it wrong that a part deep inside of him was calling for help? For someone to be by his side, when he felt overwhelmed? Was that truly weak of him? From what he had learned in his life, it was, but according to what he had been learned in the SVU it wasn’t. Sonny sighed. It didn’t matter. Those were questions, he wouldn’t find an answer for.</p><p>Once again, he washed his face and combed his hair back. Then he rolled down his sleeves and closed the buttons, before adjusting his suit. For a moment, he ran his fingers over the fine, soft fabric. It still wasn’t as good as Barba’s, but before starting his job as ADA, Sonny had invested all of his savings into better suits and had donated his ill-fitting, old ones. Wearing them had given him a little confidence boost, but apparently, he had to find another way to gain more or he had to give up, because this couldn’t happen every single time.</p><p>Sonny startled and hesitated a little, when he saw a person standing behind the door through the milky glass. With a conscious thought, he opened his hands, which had clenched into a fist and then took a deep breath to compose himself. Sonny knew, he couldn’t show any open weakness in the courthouse.</p><p>But all of that artificial confidence was gone the moment he recognised, who was standing on the other side of the hall: Rafael Barba through and through, all dressed in his fancy, expensive three-piece armour and surrounded by that aura of confidence, which Sonny wished he would have.</p><p>Sonny wanted to move or say something, but his mind was frozen and his heart sank into his guts. Why him? Why did he have to run into Rafael of all people? Into the man to whom he had a relation as complicated as it was exciting? He didn’t know, if he could stand the witty, snarky remark, which would inevitably come. He wasn’t ready to meet him again, to be overwhelmed by all those deeply buried emotions. He couldn’t handle another storm after one had just faded.</p><p>But something felt different with Rafael. His aura wasn’t as impressive and overpowering as it had been two years ago. It felt warmer, softer and a different kind of calm. It seemed like he had changed over the years. That wasn’t really surprising. Rafael had been gone and the little, fragile bond, which had formed over case files, had been torn apart. Sonny didn’t know the man in front of him anymore. He had become a stranger.</p><p>After a few moments of shock, Sonny was able to compose himself enough to look into those green eyes, which appeared a little darker, yet gentler than the many times he had seen them and somehow, it eased the knot within Sonny’s stomach a little.</p><p>Sonny shouldn’t have been surprised that Rafael never did, what one expected of him. Instead of teasing him, Rafael was… <em>kind</em> and compassionate. His deep, calm voice reassured the flying nerves inside of him, because it didn’t feel as if he was saying it to soothe him. They carried the strength of honesty and the expression in Rafael’s eyes showed that he knew, what he was talking about. It granted them a greater impact.</p><p>If Sonny was truly honest, it felt good to share his thoughts and emotions with someone, who was not part of the squad, with someone neutral, who had been in his position once. Rafael <em>understood</em> him and knew the itching, anxious feeling of waiting. Once again it showed, how charismatic Rafael was. Easily, he found the right words, though it was obvious that he was not searching for the right ones. Maybe, for the first time ever since they knew each other, Rafael spoke from his heart without wearing a mask and the longer Sonny sat with his former mentor, the calmer he became. It was as if Rafael’s tranquillity was able to rub off onto him. Rafael’s arguments were not a plea to his emotions like Olivia’s had been. They were those of logic and Rafael was able to make Sonny’s behaviour logical. Olivia had tried to encourage him, saying that thinking about quitting was not his way, but Rafael achieved that Sonny didn’t feel ashamed for thinking this way. He managed to make Sonny accept that it was alright to feel that way.</p><p>With every word Rafael spoke the chains around Sonny’s chest became looser and the constricting feeling faded. Sonny was finally able to breathe again, to inhale deeply and he became calm enough to find his usual self again. The change in Rafael’s behaviour made him braver and more relaxed around this impressive man than he ever had been. It took surprisingly less time, until they were both joking. As if this wasn’t one of the most terrifying situations for Sonny and a warm, soft feeling of gratefulness rose from his stomach, strengthening the bond between them.</p><p>More than once, Sonny caught himself glancing a little too long at Rafael, longing to take in every nuance of emotion of the situation. He still believed that when the situation was over, this atmosphere would crumble like a dream. That this here was one act of mercy- maybe even pity, because he felt so miserable- and as soon as this day was over, they would be back on the two different sides of the canyon. Sonny was afraid to lose that fragile something, which was slowly building between them and gave him the illusion, if only for the briefest of moments, that they could be friends. This blossom of a moment, in which they were their true self without any constriction. In which Sonny could express his concern about Rafael’s departure and say what had been on his mind ever since without fearing of gaining his disapproval. This conversation on the bench in the courthouse meant more to him than he wanted to let on, but he knew it couldn’t last forever.</p><p>The moment appeared to arrive, when his mobile phone announced that the jury was back. Sonny didn’t know, if it was a good or bad sign. The moment the device vibrated inside his pocket Sonny felt the anxiety triggering again. His hands began to become sweaty and his guts clenched, but before the coldness could overwhelm him. Sonny believed this would be the moment Rafael would say good-bye and disappeared, but instead Rafael surprised him again. </p><p>With a warm voice, Rafael offered to stay with him, to even accompany him to the courtroom and support him during the passing of judgement and Sonny couldn’t be any more grateful, because with the nervousness boiling inside of him, he wasn’t sure if he was able to do it on his own and he could only imagine how painful it must be for Rafael to be back, where he had once belonged.</p><p>When Sonny stood behind the hardwood table, he clenched his hands so tightly into fists that his nails bit painfully into his palm and his stomach was coiled up into a knot. The air appeared heavy as if you could cut through it with a knife and suddenly the room began to spin, when the jury walked back into the room and the judge asked the all-deciding question, but he felt a calming, anchoring aura in his back, which rested itself heavily and calmingly onto his shoulders. He couldn’t falter, when Rafael was watching him. Though, Rafael’s presence wasn’t the one putting him under pressure. It was the nervous, yet hopeful gaze of Monica, which he felt like a burning in his neck.</p><p>His throat became as the judge rose to say those words, which would decide at least three people’s destiny: Monica’s, Markeevious' and his own.</p><p>The word guilty surged through the room like a storm tide, washing away the past. It was an end, but only time would show of what kind.</p><p>With an uneasy feeling sitting like a stone inside his stomach he turned around to Rafael, though he was not sure, if he could handle another judgement. His heart made an odd jump, when he was met with a gentle face expression and his mentor nodded encouragingly at him, while his lips tucked up in a smile and every other person in the gallery blurred into silhouettes. All his mind cared for was the approval of the man, who had shaped him more than either of them likely wanted to admit.</p><p>~*~</p><p>
  <em>Could they be friends? </em>
</p><p>That was the question that kept coming up all through the night. The Rafael speaking to him wasn’t the man he used to know. He was kinder and gentler. It was a part of him, which had only shone through beforehand like a portrait, which had been repainted, but now the owner had decided he liked the old one more.</p><p>Sonny was overwhelmed by the original, true picture, though, which had been hidden behind strong, eccentric oil colours. For years, he had starred full of wonder and longing at the first layer, had begun to admire it, discovering something new each time he took a look, finding his heart beginning to race as the painting had begun to stir emotions inside of him.</p><p>But the true one…was softer, fluent like painted with water colours. Its shine wasn’t as strong or as bright anymore. It felt tender and caring. It wasn’t an explosive composition of nuances competing against one another. Now it appeared inherently consistent.</p><p>On the other hand, the original painting felt more filigree and fragile to him. That the colours would smudge as soon as he dared to touch it and therefore would be destroyed forever. It felt too beautiful to be real, almost ethereal and transcendental like a dream. Sonny couldn’t take his eyes off him, because he feared that the picture might disappear. He would have never guessed that he could be ever be more enthralled by Rafael, but he was, because tonight he showed the entire extent of how beautiful his soul was.</p><p>No matter if Sonny was overwhelmed by the realization he had just won or the insecurity, if he was made for the job, Rafael listened attentively and carefully to him and took care of him.  Whenever he was in this fragile state, Rafael didn’t make any remark about it like he used to. Instead, he knew exactly what to say to make him feel better without it feeling forced. Every word he said was honest. Sonny felt that deep inside of him and it made him feel safe.</p><p>That was why he opened up to Rafael, approaching matters, he hadn’t dared to beforehand and it truly felt good to speak with someone, who knew exactly what he was talking about. Through the entire evening, Rafael took care of him, making sure that Sonny felt comfortable. It wasn’t hard to miss that Rafael’s entire goal was to make Sonny feel better and he was very grateful about it.</p><p>Especially, when Rafael told him about his first case. It felt like he was sharing a secret with him, which no one else knew and it strengthened this magical, hard to grasp bond between them.</p><p>
  <em>So, could they be friends?</em>
</p><p>The further the evening was growing and the night fell, Sonny began to believe that this possibility existed. Something, he wouldn’t even had dared to dream off two years ago, but it appeared they were harmonizing well. It even seemed as if Rafael felt comfortable around him, too. So, was it foolish to let hope blossom inside his heart?</p><p>Without their past, without that back and forth and that game of will-they-won’t-they, this evening would have felt like a date. A good one. One of those you call your friends afterwards to swoon about how incredible it was, <em>he </em>was, everything was and they would just roll their eyes about how excited you were. Everything just felt perfect like a wonderful dream, which filled your heart with the untainted, strong love of a teenager, who hadn’t been sobered up by life yet.</p><p>When the moment arrived, when they had to say good-bye, Sonny’s heart became heavy, because he felt like the scene was slipping through his hands and the world around him began to crumble. He wanted to hold onto it, wanted to preserve the moment, to freeze time, but it was time to let go and to watch how Rafael would turn his back to him and walk away without ever looking back and Sonny’s dream would be proven an illusion.</p><p>When that realization hit him, Sonny felt like ice cold water was pouring himself into his stomach and the lurking shadows in the sideways reappeared. He didn’t want to go home, back to the silence, which his mind was going to fill up with words, he couldn’t endure. Words, which would fill his heart and confidence, until he felt like he was drowning again.</p><p>Just as every positive feeling and energy he had taken out of this pleasant evening vanished, Rafael took him by surprise again. Without any hesitation, he wrapped an arm around him, shielding him form the gathering darkness of thoughts and suddenly all of Sonny’s senses were filled by him. Rafael smelled like a forest after a long day of rain: fresh, pure, heady and incredible revitalizing.</p><p>His deep, calming voice whispered soothing words, while he held him close, his warm breath tickling the sensitive skin on his neck, the small hairs raising as a pleasant shiver ran through him and warmth spread through Sonny from the points they touched. It felt so good to finally be close to Rafael- in so many ways.</p><p>~*~</p><p>In this moment, Sonny opened his eyes and confusion filled his mind as he sat up, a hand running through his hair. The world around him was still blurred from the transcend between a dream and being awake.</p><p>Of course, it had only been a dream. He sighed in sadness as he starred at his empty hand, which clenched into a fist as if it tried to catch the dream again as it faded into the translucent sphere, which laid between dream and reality.</p><p>It hadn’t been the first time he had dreamed something like this and he condemned him for this. Rafael was back in town, but obviously didn’t want to get into touch. Despite the few occasions they had run into each other, when Rafael had visited Liv, there was no communication at all between them, although his heart yearned for more. The dream had been the fulfilment of his heartfelt wish. Just seeing and talking to each other again. That was all he was asking for. He didn’t dare to expect more and he was happy about every tiny piece Rafael would give him. It was pathetic. It probably was that he still longed so much for a man’s appreciation, but he couldn’t help it.</p><p>His heart became heavy as he sighed and lowered his head, when the realization washed through him like the lazy waves of the ocean. He had always dreamed vividly, so much so that the pictures of his subconscious didn’t let him go immediately. They hang before his eyes like a curtain, which was slowly opened to the play which was life.</p><p>“Good morning.”, a pleasant, deep voice whispered next to him. Sonny’s heart skipped a beat. It couldn’t be. He knew that voice so well, but it couldn’t be his. Slowly, hesitantly, he turned around, afraid to be disappointed, but he was once again surprised.</p><p>“Rafael…”, he whispered airy as he saw the man sitting next to him, dressed in a simple shirt and jeans. To his surprise, Rafael didn’t seem irritated or angry about being called by his first name.</p><p>“Did you sleep well?”, he asked with a voice full of warmth and caring.</p><p>“Yeah, yeah…”, Sonny stammered overwhelmed. He blinked several times and wondered if he had slid from one dream into another, but Rafael was too clearly recognizable and sharp to be just an imagery of his mind, though he carried the essence of Rafael’s reflection dearly in his heart. His dream had just proven that.</p><p>But Rafael was here. He could sense his presence clearly.</p><p>“It wasn’t a dream.”, he realized.</p><p>“No, it wasn’t.” Gentle emeralds looked at him and Rafael smiled at Sonny like he rarely had before: warm and kind and Sonny felt the well-known feeling of being pulled in. Rafael’s eyes were enthralling in the way they switched between different shades of green and brown. Eyes were windows to the soul as the folk was saying, but Sonny had never met a person to whom it fitted more. Due to his job, Rafael often had to control his facial expression and he had built up a high wall surrounding his heart, but he had never been able to hide his eyes.</p><p>The revelation that it hadn’t been a dream should fill him with happiness, because it was all he had ever wished for. Rafael and he had grown closer, they were <em>friends</em> and by God did it feel good and warm, but it also made him a little shivering on the inside, because he was a little overwhelmed by all the many things that had happened yesterday. To be honest, it truly had felt like a dream.</p><p>“Thank you.”, Sonny said with a fast beating heart. “For yesterday. I truly appreciate it.”</p><p>“You’re welcome.”, Rafael accepted his honest gratitude with the softest of smiles. Something delicate and fragile hang in the air like a silk thread in this moment. Something, Sonny couldn’t see, but he could feel it.</p><p>“I’m going to make breakfast.”, Rafael said calmly and stood up. “The guest bathroom is down the hall, second door to the left. You can have a shower, if you like.”</p><p>With these words he turned around to leave for the kitchen and a cold feeling of sudden panic flushed through Sonny. Now that he was in reality, he remembered everything of yesterday. Not just the good things like in the dream, but also the anxiety, fear and panic and how he had thrown up because of it, while Rafael had been outside the door and that Rafael knew about it.</p><p>“Rafael, wait!” Driven by a sudden impulse, he jumped up and grabbed his arm with a shivering hand.</p><p>“Sonny?” Surprised, Rafael turned around and Sonny was too caught in the shame of exposing so much to the man, who couldn’t stand weakness, that he couldn’t even feel how wonderful the nickname sounded spoken by that beautiful voice.</p><p>“I’m sorry…”</p><p>“What are you sorry for?”, Rafael asked calmly and with a little frown resting between his brows.</p><p>“For behaving like that yesterday.” He lowered his eyes ashamed. “It was the first time we truly talked to each other in ages and then I was like that. I’m sorry you had to see me like this.”</p><p>“All I’ve seen was you.” A warm, strong hand rested onto his shoulder, squeezing it comfortingly. “And there’s nothing wrong about that and nothing to be sorry about.”</p><p>With a comforting smile, Rafael removed his hand and Sonny noticed, how he was already missing the weight and the touch as only its ghost stayed behind.</p><p>“Rafael…” Then he lowered his eyes, feeling very lost under Rafael’s kind, but thoughtful gaze. “I’m still sorry for the inconveniences I’ve caused.”</p><p>“You didn’t cause any.” Surprised, Sonny blinked and turned around to him.</p><p>“But I stayed over…”</p><p>“Yeah and fell asleep immediately on the couch. So, I didn’t even have to prepare the guest bedroom.” Rafael laughed warmly and Sonny’s heart raced a little faster. Yesterday, he had been too surprised and overwhelmed to notice, but Rafael’s laugh was the most beautiful sound he had ever heard. It was warm and deep. It made his eyes glistening like a forest after rain and his nose scrunched in a way Sonny had never noticed before, but now, he felt like he could ever unsee it, because it was utterly adorable. Yes, it was unbelievable, but Rafael Barba, a force to reckon with in courtroom, always composed and stoic and a master of sarcasm, was <em>cute</em> and Sonny couldn’t believe he was allowed to see this side of him. This warmer, softer side, which somehow felt more like Rafael than the old one. As if he finally was one with himself and accepted a side of him, which he had tried to hide for far too long so that he almost had lost it. Had lost <em>himself</em>. Because he had been ashamed of it. Because it hadn’t fit into his imagination of a strong, successful person. That would have been devastating, because this side of Rafael was beautiful.</p><p>In this moment, Sonny felt that fine bond strengthening between them, because Rafael entrusted him with something, which was precious to him. His soft side. The side he had assessed as weak.</p><p>“Despite…” Rafael rested a hand onto his upper arm and tore Sonny out of his thoughts. He lifted his eyes from the smile on Rafael’s lips and the scrunch of the nose up to deep green eyes, which enthralled him immediately. Folks said that eyes were the window to the soul and, in this moment, Sonny believed he could look deep into Rafael. He found comfort and compassion next to something else, he couldn’t quite name, but which felt warm and gentle. “That’s what friends are for.”</p><p>Sonny shouldn’t be surprised. It wasn’t like Rafael had never shown this side of him. He had seen it before. He had shown it, when Noah had been abducted or when Sonny had questioned his belief in God.</p><p>Then why did he look at him with blown wide eyes as if he was looking at a wonder of the world? And what was even worse, Rafael noticed. He looked at him with an amused gaze glistening in his eyes. His eyebrow was lifted questioningly, while a smirk danced around his lips as he likely saw himself reflecting in Sonny’s big eyes. It embarrassed Sonny, how easily Rafael was able to bring him out of concept.</p><p>Sonny had never dared to think about, what that was between them, because he had feared the answer. Feared it would have made everything much more complicated and would put a strain onto their perfect, professional relation. He had enjoyed what they had without hoping for more, but now, there was hope.</p><p>“Sonny?” Rafael tilted his head in a mixture of confusion and curiosity. Sonny blinked to tear him out of his trail of thoughts and to return back to reality. Could it be that his mind was still hanging in that twilight zone between awakening and dreaming?</p><p>“I’m sorry…” Sonny shook his head and then rested his forehead into his palm, ruffling through his hair.</p><p>“Still anxious?” The smirk fell from Rafael’s face and was replaced by a deep, honest concern.</p><p>“No, that’s not it…it’s just…” He sighed heavily and ruffled through his hair. For a moment he played with the thought of finding an excuse and dismissing it, but he didn’t want to make the same mistake as he had back then. It was a risk, but he didn’t want to hide anymore and finally found the answers, which had been left unanswered for too long. Rafael seemed to be willing to listen without judgement anyway. “I’m just a little overwhelmed with the situation.”</p><p>For a moment Rafael frowned, trying to figure out what exactly Sonny meant, but then a flicker of realisation ran through his eyes.</p><p>“Oh…”, escaped him like a breath and his voice fell down, though Sonny couldn’t tell if it was from resignation or disappointment, but it made his stomach flutter. Rafael opened his mouth to speak, but then closed it as he changed his mind. “I see…”</p><p>Sonny felt miserable for seeing that sadness shining in Rafael’s eyes, which made them much darker as he glanced down to the floor. His heart pounded fast as his thoughts raced, searching for a word, a sentence to take these feelings away from Rafael, who suddenly looked like the version of his shortly before he had quit his job.</p><p>“Did I make you sad?”, he asked contritely.</p><p>“Sad…?”, Rafael repeated, the question floating between them, while his face hardened a little into a frown. “No, no.”</p><p>He shook his head and when he looked up, there was the most honest and disarming smile on his lips and the haze, which had just hung over his eyes, had cleared.</p><p>“You just made me realize something.” Suddenly, Sonny noticed that delicate, silvery shimmer in his deep green eyes. The one, he had just sensed in the air and his nerves began to flap, his stomach suddenly filled with butterflies.</p><p>“And what?” Fear and curiosity made a strange, but exciting mixture inside his stomach and he swallowed as his mouth became dry.</p><p>“How much my urge not to mix professional and private must have hurt you when the friendship between us overwhelms you.” Rafael’s eyes were thoughtful as he looked at him and he had an expression as if he was seeing Sonny for the first time.</p><p>“Oh.”, Sonny said. He truly didn’t expect Rafael to say that, but he really should have. Rafael was truly empathetic, even if he was used to hiding it.</p><p>“I’m sorry.” Those were words Rafael barely said, but when he did, they were always heavy from sincerity and his eyes shone brightly.</p><p>“No, it’s alright.”, he rushed to assure him, because if there was one thing, he didn’t want was for Rafael to feel bad. He had suffered enough in his life. “You were right. It would’ve only made things complicated.”</p><p>“But it’s a new start, now.”, Rafael said and the warm smile was back and his eyes were clear. The question was a new start to what? For what? Was Rafael intending, what Sonny read inside his tone? Or was it just his wish?</p><p>“Yes.” Sonny said, softly, uncertain. Rafael put a hand on his shoulder, and squeezed gently.</p><p>“It'll be okay, Sonny. Whatever happens, whatever you need, I'll be here to help.” Sonny nodded as he stared down into those beautiful, friendly eyes that shone compassionately and understandingly up at him. He believed him. However bad he felt, however tight the chains around his neck were and how heavily the air suffocated him, he believed him. Rafael didn't make promises lightly.</p><p>“Thank you, Rafael.”, Sonny whispered with gratitude and appreciation, because he knew that Rafael chose carefully, whom he gave his friendship to.</p><p>“You’re welcome.” His voice was warm as a hot milk with honey as he squeezed his shoulder again. “Come on, there is a big shower just waiting for you and when you come back, a breakfast will wait to empower you.”</p><p>Sonny nodded and a small, soft smile spread over his face as the concern and uncertainty, the last remnants of his anxiety, cleared and disappeared, now that Rafael had given his consent.</p><p>“Down the hallway, second door to the left, right?”</p><p>“Good, at least your memory is still working.” Rafael winked and smirked, but couldn’t hide the relief inside his teasing tone. “You’ll find what you need in there already. I’ve prepared everything.”</p><p>Then, he turned around and walked into the kitchen, showing that the topic was done for him and Sonny was relieved and yet sad as the spell broke. He knew, he could have never pulled away, because he would have feared it might tear the thread apart.</p><p>The hot water felt soothing on his skin and washed the last remnants of his anxiety away down the flush. Slowly, his heart and mind became clearer. Massage jets sprayed warm, strong streams of water against his shoulders, which he rolled as his muscles began to relax.</p><p>When he stepped out of it and wrapped a big, fluffy towel around his waist, he felt much calmer. He reached for another one and began to rub his hair dry. Condensate rested like tears on the mirror, but Sonny wiped them away. This here was not a morning for tears.</p><p>Sonny hurried, because Rafael hated being kept waiting, but the closer he came to be done, the faster his heart was beating. He held onto the washbasin and looked into the mirror. Without the product, his hair was slightly curled, framing his face. He looked fresher, calmer, certainly cleaner. He was as good as he was going to get.</p><p>He closed his eyes, took one final deep breath, and with a burst of energy pushed himself off the basin, and strode through the door. It was just breakfast. Just breakfast. Just food. He liked food. He liked Rafael. The combination was good.</p><p>His tie was in his hands. Given the casual environment he had chosen not to put it on just yet. He didn't own many good ties, and this was one of his best. He didn't want to get food on it and ruin it. But soon he noticed it was twisted tight around his fingers. Gods damn, he really didn't do well when he had time to think.</p><p>Sonny heard oil sizzling in a hot pan, when he left the bathroom and noticed the warm scent of scrambled eggs and fresh coffee. Actual coffee and not that gnats piss they sold as coffee in the precinct and DA’s office. His stomach rumbled in eagerness and his steps became faster.</p><p>Rafael’s kitchen was luxurious and almost as big as Sonny’s flat. The working counter was made out of black marble and the cupboards where in a shimmering white. The most modern gadgets stood there in line, waiting to be used and yet mostly abandoned.</p><p>The sleeves of Rafael’s white shirt were rolled up as he looked concentrated into a bowl as if making scrambled eggs was the greatest mystery of mankind and Sonny almost expected that he would exclaim <em>eureka</em>! at one point. He chuckled quietly to himself and smiled softly as he took the time to watch him for a moment and once again, he thought that this incredible man was adorable.</p><p>Eventually Rafael turned his head and smiled.</p><p>“Ah, you're out. Do you feel better?”</p><p>“Yes, thank you.”</p><p>“No problem. Have a seat. Breakfast will be done soon.” He nodded towards a bar stool behind the kitchen island. Sonny walked up to it and sat down. The cushion was comfortable and a warm cup of coffee awaited him already to wish him a good morning. Sonny lifted the elegant, porcelain cup with the flower embellishment and nipped on the hot coffee. The warm beverage ran soothingly down his pharynx and settled comfortably inside his stomach, suffocating, whatever was still shivering in there.</p><p>“Sooo good…”, he hummed pleasantly as the steam danced around his nose, the scent caressing him.</p><p>Rafael chuckled, as he scrapped the eggs around the pan, the loud noise of metal on metal dissonant in the otherwise warm and comfortable environment.</p><p>“I know. It was a hard blend to find but now that I have, I hate drinking anything else.”</p><p>“God, it must cost a fortune if it's this good.”, Sonny said as he took another sip. Rafael tilted his head side to side.</p><p>“It's... more than I would like to admit, but it is the perfect morning pick-me-up, especially after a tough case and sometimes, you just have to spoil yourself.”</p><p>“So, you’re working as a lawyer again?”</p><p>“Yes.” Rafael stopped stirring the bowl for a moment. “I work for Innocence Project, now.”</p><p>“Really?” Sonny widened his eyes in surprise, but then a happy smile spread over his face as Rafael turned around and nodded. “That’s perfect for you.”</p><p>“Yes, it is.” A tender, soft smile played around his lips and it was absolutely beautiful, causing warmth and affection to spread through Sonny’s stomach, more pleasantly than any coffee or breakfast ever could.</p><p>“You seem happy, now, Rafael…”, he stated as he leaned back on the stool, the hands still around the warm cup as he examined Rafael thoroughly. Rafael truly appeared happier, freer, now than he ever had as a prosecutor. The hard lines, which had rested between his brows and the corners of his mouth had smoothed out and his eyes sparkled in a shine, which had become duller over the time he had worked for the SVU. Rafael had been lost at the end of their journey, but it appeared he had found it once again. It made Sonny happy. Rafael deserved that. More than anyone else.</p><p>Rafael hadn’t answer right away, his eyes turned inwards, but when he looked up, the brilliant shine took his breath away and made his heart pound loudly. It was similar to the softness he had carried on Mike’s funeral, when he had admitted to Sonny that he hadn’t been scared in the presence of his friends, although his life had been threatened openly on the courthouse stairs.</p><p>Still, Rafael hesitated, likely thinking it would make the wrong impression. That he hadn’t been happy during his time with the squad.</p><p>“Yes, I am.”, he still answered and exhaled softly.</p><p>“That’s good. You deserve that.” Surprised, Rafael looked up, but then huffed, because it shouldn’t surprise him. Sonny always wore his heart on his sleeve and it made him smile softly.</p><p>“Thank you, Sonny.” Then he turned around as he resumed to make breakfast. Sonny watched him for a while, his hand holding onto the cup, its warmth spreading through him in pleasant waves, but then, another thought crossed his mind.</p><p>“That means we could end up in court against each other.”, he whispered.</p><p>“Yes.” This time, Rafael didn’t stop stirring in the bowl, but his shoulders tensed a little. “If we do, I want you to know you owe me nothing. You shall give everything.”</p><p>“I wouldn’t do anything else.”, Sonny whispered. “Otherwise I would disrespect what you taught me.”</p><p>Rafael smiled and looked over his shoulders. He understood what Rafael wanted to say.</p><p>“Otherwise, it wouldn’t be justice.”, he said and Rafael nodded.</p><p>“Exactly.” He didn't add anything on to that statement, but he didn't need too. The two men looked at each other with perfect clarity, knowing that when they did meet on the courtly battlefield, they would both give it their all, but remain friends afterwards.</p><p>At least, that was what Sonny wanted to think, but the gaze in Rafael’s eyes felt like a promise and he smiled relieved about that.</p><p>Silence fell over the kitchen, only the bright, clear sound of Rafael scrambling through the eggs with a fork and the sizzling of the pan interrupted it. Sonny wasn’t able to read it. Was it a pleasant one or had they reached their end? Or was it just his anxiety speaking again?</p><p>“Shall I help you?”, Sonny offered after a few minutes, because he couldn’t stand that thickness in the air anymore.</p><p>“No need to.”, Rafael dismissed softly and somehow, Sonny felt rejected. Rafael seemed to notice the disappointment flaring in the air. He turned around and truly looked at Sonny, who had lowered his head and starred into the coffee, drowning in the half empty cup.</p><p>“Okay.”, he then whispered.</p><p>“Really?”</p><p>“Yes. Come here.” Rafael smiled. “It’s likely better for the both of us anyway. It ensures we both survive breakfast.”</p><p>“You don’t cook often, do you?” Sonny chuckled as he stood up and walked up to him, his heart being soothed with every step he took closer to Rafael.</p><p>“Not since college.” A warm laugh rumbled through the kitchen. Sonny looked down into the pan and sighed. The eggs looked like powder, just on this side of being edible. </p><p>“You know, Rafael. It shows. It really shows.” Rafael frowned.</p><p>“You don't like my eggs?” Sonny hesitated. He looked up at Rafael, but when he saw a playful light in his eyes, he sighed, and smiled.</p><p>“No, no I do not.”</p><p>“You think you can do better?” Sonny laughed, because it wasn’t exactly difficult.</p><p>“Oh, I know I can. Give me the fork.”</p><p>“Well, then. Show me what you got!” Rafael grinned, slightly bordering at diabolic, as he handed him the fork as if it was a sword and he would have to take over Rafael’s place on a battlefield. Rafael took the pan and dismissed his failure into the trash bin, while Sonny cracked some new eggs into a deep plate and began to scramble them.</p><p>It was actually quite pleasant to have some space in the kitchen and it truly left nothing to be desired. Compared to Rafael’s small, slim tube, it was heaven on earth and soon, Sonny was humming like he often did while cooking as Rafael watched him closely.</p><p>“Also, at the risk of talking in complete stereotypes…”, Rafael began. “…don’t women normally cook in Italian families?”</p><p>“Hmmhmmm…”, Sonny hummed in affirmation. “But with three children and both of my parents working full-time, my mother couldn’t be exactly picky of who helped her in the kitchen and actually, I enjoy cooking a lot.”</p><p>Because it was his way of making people happy and putting a smile on their lips.</p><p>Rafael frowned at that.</p><p>II must be honest, I do not understand why, but I guess you learnt a lot from her. It already looks better than mine and you haven't even put them in the pan yet.” Sonny snorted.</p><p>“It wasn't that hard. Do you have any shallots in the fridge?”</p><p>“Um... no.”, Rafael said softly. “Like I said, I don't cook much.”</p><p>Sonny shook his head.</p><p>“I am disappointed in you, Rafael. Do you at least have some herbs, or spices?” Rafael shrugged.</p><p>“You are welcome to look, if you’re able to find the legendary treasure.”, he teased, but when Sonny only threw a long gaze at him, he added, almost as an apology. “I eat out most of the time.”</p><p>Sonny sighed in sadness, because he had wanted to make a proper breakfast in order to thank Rafael for all of his effort, but he guessed he had to work with what was given to him. The kitchen might have the perfect body, but it lacked soul. Which was sad, because Sonny could think of a lot of things, he could cook for Rafael in here. Sonny stopped abruptly in his movements, starring with blown wide eyes at the tiles on the wall. Had he just imagined of living here with Rafael and of all the dishes he could cook for him? His heart began to race and he felt heat spreading over his cheeks, growing warm under his embarrassment and he quickly turned his head away, hoping that Rafael hadn't noticed.</p><p>To his luck,  Rafael had gone to the fridge and had poked his head in.</p><p>“I have tomatoes and cheese, if this is any help.”, he offered, but frowned, when Sonny didn’t answer. “Sonny?”</p><p>Sonny snapped out of his trail of thoughts after Rafael addressed him softly and he felt suddenly very embarrassed, the blush climbing up to the top of his ears, which were now luckily hidden underneath his hair.</p><p>“Is everything alright?” Damn it, sometimes Sonny hated, how perceptive he was. “Are you becoming anxious again?”</p><p>“What? No, no, no worries. Tomatoes and cheese are good.” Quickly, he cleared his throat and tried to calm down the rush of blood inside his ears. Rafael frowned, but decided to leave it for the moment. Instead, he handed him the ingredients, which Sonny then examined thoroughly. At least they were of good quality and he decided to make omelette instead.</p><p>To be honest, this was the calmest Sonny had felt. He knew this. He knew how to cook, and he knew it would be amazing. It was quick and easy to wash and dice the tomatoes and grate the cheese, and season the eggs before pouring them into a clean pan, and cooking the omelette.</p><p>He could feel Rafael standing behind him, watching him work, and he could hear him sip on his own coffee. It was all so very... comfortably domestic, with the sizzle of the eggs and the scent of the coffee. It was... nice. He liked this. And he liked the way the eggs looked when he added the tomatoes and cheese and folded them into the omelette. Despite that preparing the breakfast distracted him from the thought, how much he enjoyed this morning with Rafael. He had always felt comfortable around Rafael, but this here was much more than he had ever expected.</p><p>Carefully, he dished the omelettes onto the plates. Normally, he would have put some chives onto it, but well, it had to go like that. Somewhen, though, he would cook properly for Rafael.</p><p>“Those…look delicious.”, Rafael said in astonishment, when he saw the perfect yellow and brown omelette, the red of tomatoes standing out in the painting.</p><p>“Why do you sound so surprised?” Sonny laughed. “Just like Cubans, Italians are passionate. We don’t do anything half-heartedly.”</p><p>“I'll have to take your word on it, at least until I taste it.”, Rafael laughed with him.</p><p>Sonny smiled as he placed the plates on the counter, and slid one over towards Rafael.</p><p>“Well, go on. Try it.”</p><p>It wasn't until Rafael strode across the kitchen and pulled open a drawer that Sonny realised, he forgot about knives and forks. He blushed a little when he did; but, thankfully, this time Rafael didn't notice. He placed a knife and fork on the counter next to Sonny's plate, then took his in both hands, and cut into the omelette. A pleasant scent danced through the air, filling their noses and Sonny could see, how Rafael’s mouth watered. He might not be a good cook, but he appreciated good food. He just let other’s cook for him and for a moment, Sonny thought, he would love to do it for him.</p><p>The first bite disappeared in Rafael’s mouth and his movements came to an abrupt halt.</p><p>“That tastes incredible.”, Rafael said and then hummed pleasantly as he took the rest of it into his mouth. The praise was music in Sonny’s ears, who beamed brightly at him, the dimples caving into his cheeks. Rafael stuttered again, when he saw that happy smile. Quickly, he turned his head around and for a moment, Sonny believed he had seen a little flush on his cheek.</p><p>Could it be? Could Rafael also feel this bond blossoming between them? Could it be he began to feel something for him, too?</p><p>Sonny huffed and smiled, doing Rafael the favour of not addressing it. It didn’t matter. At least not for now. Therefore, he continued eating and drinking his coffee, simply enjoying of spending time like this with Rafael. It was not a secret that he had always admired him- except for Rafael himself, maybe-, but he didn’t want to push his luck. This here was more than enough. This here was more than he would have ever asked for and he was happy. Truly happy.</p><p>After a few moments, Rafael found his composure back and turned around, thanking Sonny for making the breakfast.</p><p>Sonny shrugged and smiled.</p><p>“It was the least I could do for stealing your couch last night and for you inviting me for dinner.”</p><p>“Sonny, you…”, Rafael began to assure him, but he shook his hand and Rafael fell silent, only watching him quietly, waiting for whatever he wanted to say. Though, Sonny didn’t know, what that could be. The moment felt so fragile like a crossroad, but before he could decide where to go, his mobile phone was ringing loudly and persistently from the coffee table, where he had put it yesterday.</p><p>“Oh, I’m sorry. I think I need to get that.”</p><p>“No worry. I’m just glad it isn’t mine. I don’t want to give up on my free day.” Rafael winked and began to collect the dishes to load the dishwasher, while Sonny hurried over to his phone to pick it up. Strangely, he was relieved that it wasn’t work, but on the same hand, it concerned him that Bella’s ID shimmered on the screen. Hopefully, everything was alright with his little niece Francesca.</p><p>“Hello, Bella.”, he greeted her, but couldn’t hide his concern. “Is everything alright?”</p><p>Sonny saw out of the corners of his eyes, how Rafael stopped loading the dishwasher and turned to him. He was listening to the phone call, but he wasn’t hiding it and he seemed to be concerned because of Sonny’s intonation.</p><p>Luckily, it wasn’t anything concerning. Instead, she only talked his ear off, before she asked for what she truly wanted. A heavy sigh escaped Sonny as soon as he hung up and he rubbed his temples. He loved his sister, but she could be annoying at times.</p><p>“Is everything alright with Bella?”, Rafael asked concerned and empathetically as he walked up to him. Sonny smiled reassuringly and nodded.</p><p>“Yeah. She just has to work spontaneously and asked me, if I can babysit Francesca, because Tommy is at work, too and my parents are on a journey for a week.”</p><p>“Sonny Carisi, always there, when needed.”, Rafael said with a smirk, which had a sad twitch.</p><p>“You say it as if it’s a bad thing.”</p><p>“No.” He shook his head. “I just thought that this isn’t how you should spend the day after your first victory.</p><p>“Well, it is, how it is.” Sonny shrugged. “And I love Francesca.”</p><p>“Of course, you do.” His smile turned soft. “You do everything you can for everybody. I know that. It just makes you an easy goal to be taken advantage of. She didn’t even ask you, how it went, right?”</p><p>Sonny wanted to deny that, but then paused, when he realized that he was right. He sighed in resignation. It wasn’t exactly something untypical for Bella or his sister in general. Sonny wasn’t naïve or illusioned about his family. He knew, he often was too kind and they took him for granted. It was the story of his life and something he accepted without complain, because being there for others was, what Sonny drew his self-confidence from. It simply was too deeply entwined into his personality. He knew they weren’t perfect and they had flaws, but he loved them.</p><p>Rafael watched him silently, but then sighed.</p><p>“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”</p><p>“It’s alright.” Rafael’s family wasn’t idle either. That was the only thing he knew, but it was all he needed to know and sometimes, during some, special cases, he had seen an old pain hanging in his eyes, which had spurred him on to work even harder. Often until exhaustion. Almost as if he wanted to make an ancient mistake undone or protect the victims from an experience, he had made himself. “I’d love to stay, but I have to go.”</p><p>“Yes, of course.” Rafael finally looked into his eyes again and he smiled. “Go and rescue your sister.”</p><p>Sonny snorted and rolled his eyes about the tease, but then smiled and nodded. He turned around to gather his belongings, but then he stopped and looked back to Rafael.</p><p>“Rafael?”</p><p>“Yes?”</p><p>“I’d like to do that again. The dinner, I mean.” A question rested on Rafael’s tongue. He rolled it back and forth, from side to side, wondering if he should ask it, but then it appeared he dismissed it.</p><p>“Yes, I’d love that, too.”</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I can't tell exactly, when I'm going to upload the next one. I'm full with a lot of projects, but I love this one here, so I couldn't leave it abandoned. </p><p>I hope you enjoyed it as much as I do. Please share your thoughts with me. Comments and kudos are always welcomes &lt;2</p><p>I wish you all a lovely weekend. Subaru =)</p><p>PS: I have to thank my dear mythlover for helping me along with this chapter so much =) Thank you!!!!! &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello everybody. Thank you so much for reading this story. I hope, you enjoyed it =) </p><p>I'm pretty sure, I'm going to turn this into a multi-chapter story at one point, because I like this to be the starting point of their relationship. What about you? Would you like to read more?</p></blockquote></div></div>
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